Back to that clutter thing I posted about on an earlier post! Have had a great weekend with visits from daughter, granddaughter and grandson. Now the house cleaning thing again. Some of the things that I just leave lying around my house (that one could refer to as clutter) remain in the same spot because it serves as a reminder that yes, children are still an important part of our household! Although they do not live here all the time, the toys and play areas do serve a purpose for me as well as for them. As I look around instead of seeing toys scattered all over the place, I see unfinished business! Yes, unfinished children's business that still needs to be completed. This gives me great feelings of joy as I muddle through my work week and reminds me each day that soon there will be some little ones back in my house to complete that important business of theirs. I smile to myself and clean around it.

Things never said

We sit in silence. There are things that should or could be said, but aren't. There are questions that could or should be asked but, aren't. Instead, we sit quietly together and offer a smile to one another from time to time. We may talk about the news or weather, a television show, or other people but, the important things that could or should be discussed never are. Is this the way it has always been? Maybe, I don't remember. This is the way it is now. What does she think about? How does she feel? Angry, sad, scared, lonely? Tired, weak or hurting? I don't know, she doesn't say and I do not ask. A hug and a kiss an I'll miss you, tears, I love yous exchanged and goodbyes. An " I'll be back soon" from me, a yes nod from her. A wiping of tears as we pass. A wave from the porch, a wave back from the car, goodbye mom! A thought from me, I love you mom and it is hard to leave you here.

Well, so anyway, I really stuck my neck out there this morning and e-mailed my mother with the suggestion that we go to Kansas and help her pack her things and put them into storage and then bring her back home to live with us. I did this very gently so as not to offend her and also explained the reasons why this would be the best thing to do.

I think that she has already responded to this e-mail but, I don't want to look yet. She will either respond with a flat "NO" or she will ignore my request completely. I have decided not to read the e-mail until after my staff meeting this morning.

My mother is a very independent woman and could be easily insulted by my request. I will blog some time about her coming out of her dependence! I remember this triumphant time very well!

Well, thank God for South Texas humidity. I looked in the mirror and gave a silent shreek when I saw my hair while ago! The humidity should straighten it our before I show up at work this morning. Gotta run!

Well, several different potentially troublesome diagnosis could be brewing, each of which could require frequent medical visits. This would be difficult for someone who is weak and living in a rural area to deal with alone. This could be the beginning of a new phase of life for my mother, my sister and her family as well as for me and my family. I am certain that these changes will be the topic of many conversations to come.

Could have just hurt my husbands feelings. He walked past and asked if this is my blog and when I replied "yes" he asked if there were any way he could read it and my response was "no". Of course he then asked me" why" and my curt response was "because it is private and personal". Why is it so hard to find univaded space? Damn, it! Can't a person even think out loud on the computer without an invasion? I am done for now!

Waking up today with just one thing on my mind. My mother. She has been ill off and on since she was down here visiting in late Jan. 2010. Today she goes to see a pulmonary specialist to have her lung function testing done and she will also get another chest x-ray. We are hoping that she can be diagnosed and then be given a miracle drug to help her bounce back to where she was before. My mom has always been pretty healthy and active and it has been very hard for her to accept this now weakend physical state.

The anticipation of a diagnosis brings about feelings of doom and gloom along with the dread of receiving the call from my sister to tell me what they find. I will be working this morning sitting on my office chair that will have the sensation of pins and needles as I wait for this call.

I have been praying about this for weeks, no months, and have been praying for a quick recovery for my mother and so far it just has not happened. I know I should pray for God's will in this and sometimes I do but, I would prefer to remain in my selfish will that my mom will be just fine. Once again I will try to turn all of this over to God as I start my morning and just find comfort and peace in knowing that God's will, not mine, will be done.

Taking a break from my weekly house cleaning. Weekly house cleaning? Who am I trying to kid? This isn't cleaning it is merely scraping the surface of the house once again. That's all I do, just scrape the surface. As I look around at all of the clutter that I don't deal with it makes me wonder just how much of one's own life is reflected by how they go about this cleaning ritual. That's a very scary thought. If that is the case then it would appear as though my entire life has been one big clutter ----! Yes, the blank is exactly four letters long! Why don't I clean this clutter? Is it because if I start one thing it leads to the next and the next and the next and would never end? Hmmm, possibly. Maybe the clutter has just grown on me. If it weren't here then maybe I would feel naked. No, it would probably feel good. It's just too big a job. I have never been good at finishing things, especially when it brings on the sensation of being overwhelmed. It's just easier to let it go. Don't I like the feeling of accomplishment? Maybe it just isn't important to me. Oh well, back to scraping the surface! Maybe another day, not this one.

Here I Go.....

Well, thanks to my daughter, I am now ready to join the rest of the world with blogging! The only thing that troubles me about this is what do people really want to say on their blogs? How much do they limit themselves when they think that so many others may be reading some of their deepest thoughts. Or, do people really share their deepest thoughts with anyone? My guess would be no, unless of course they feel that the only people that will read them are people that they will never have to come face to face with anyway. Interesting concept but, what if someone that really does matter to you should read what you have censored for so long and then begin to pass that awful judgement word onto you? Hmmmm, may have to give this some serious thought before I get too carried away with it!

Connie